Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.